Joke Time

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Joke Time

Post by skruntie on 5/21/2008, 20:31

She is So Blonde


She is so blonde that…

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
On a job application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
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skruntie

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Re: Joke Time

Post by skruntie on 5/21/2008, 20:40

Patient Information


A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

” Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”
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Re: Joke Time

Post by texanwitharake on 5/21/2008, 21:23

how do you drown a blonde?

put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool

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Re: Joke Time

Post by skruntie on 5/21/2008, 22:19

Trading Places


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
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Re: Joke Time

Post by skruntie on 5/21/2008, 22:20

What a Coincidence


A man sat at a local bar and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”

“What a coincidence,” said the woman next to him. “I’m celebrating, too” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are your celebrating?”

“I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“What a coincidence”, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

“What a coincidence,” she said.
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Re: Joke Time

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